Before I forget

Auggie is 8 months and 3 weeks old. Yesterday he was 3 months and 8 days old. Or so I thought. He can pick up and eat soggy cheerios, clap his hands, do funny things because he knows it makes us laugh, and though he may not be crawling he can certainly move around enough to get himself into precarious situations. More and more he tells us that he's mad or annoyed, that he's bored with the same old toy or that he really won't just sit and play while I do just one more thing.

He spent most of the last 2 weeks with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. I'm not sure if that feels good, if it's related to all the teeth starting to poke through his gums, or if he just forgets to pull it back in.

I just put him down for a nap. It was a rare moment of stillness for a very active little body. His sleeping face was peaceful and smooth and perfect. For a few minutes I considered staying there with him in my arms, letting his warm body sink into mine and his head rest against my chest. It reminded me of the countless hours I spent with him asleep on my chest while I lounged in bed, resting, reading (more likely watching "tv" on my computer). He'd be sprawled, frog-legged over my belly, his head heavy and cheeks puffed, listening to my heart beat. Every so often his neck would stiffen, rearing backwards, chin in the air, lips pursed like a fish. He'd crane and twist, stretch and wrinkle his face, and eventually fall back into his "pillows," never opening his eyes. Today I wondered if I'd always remember what it felt like to be someone's pillow, someone's absolute source of comfort.

Zzzzzzzz's

You don't often notice exactly when things change in a child's life. It's usually gradual, or too subtle to notice. In August Punkin still talked with a lisp and didn't pronounce his F's or S's, but by Thanksgiving he no longer needed an interpreter. At Christmas Auggie wouldn't be left sitting on his own, in February he required a crash pad of pillows all around him, and now he only falls over when he gets really really excited about something (usually something Punkin is doing).

Well one night, a few weeks ago, I'm pretty sure Auggie hit a new milestone. And it's kinda cool and kinda crazy that I just witnessed a change happen quite literally while he lay in my arms. With a bit of a struggle and whole lot of noise, Auggie fell asleep ALL ON HIS OWN. Ok, so a baby falling asleep on his own certainly has different meaning to different parents. In our house, BABY'S DON'T FALL ASLEEP BY THEMSELVES. It's like an unwritten rule that we didn't really choose but one we've come to accept after much resistance on our part. Up until his 3rd birthday (and still sometimes) Punkin required a warm body to snuggle up to as he dozed off and for much of the rest of the night, too. He inevitably finds his way under our covers and jams his toes into someone's back in the wee hours of the morning.

I can barely remember what bed time was like when Punkin was 8+ months old. I know he wasn't swaddled anymore, that he'd grown out of both the reflux wedge and the swing, and I'm pretty sure it was around that time that he was getting walked to sleep about 50-80% of the time. "Walked" as in strapped into the Ergo or a stroller and hauled all over the neighborhood streets until the humming and soft moaning/groaning drifted away and we were sure his eyes were shut. But then of course there was the second hurdle of getting him from outside the house to inside the bedroom, and from inside said-carrier to out and on the bed. If there were an Olympic sport in putting a sleep-resistant toddler to bed, Veggie and I would be gold medal champions. Sadly, there really isn't much pay out for being so stealthy, but that's not why you do the things you do as a parent.

Back then, walking Punkin to sleep was a survival tactic for us. Now, when I think of the prospect of "walking" Auggie to sleep every night and even on many naps, I think....NO. F'ING. WAY. Oh to be the second child.

So thar night, when Auggie didn't sack out at the boob, wanted nothing to do with bouncing or swaying or rocking or back patting, didn't go for the second attempt at nursing, and wasn't showing much promise in the swing, I chose option C. I laid my squirming, kicking, screaming, punching baby down on the bed, curled around him, rubbed his belly (a constantly moving target with all the writhing and kicking that was going on), and waited with him until the kicking slowed down, the screaming quieted and the hands settled in tight little fists. I didn't think it would happen. I didn't think he'd actually "give in" and go to sleep. But the truth is, there was no "giving in" because there was no more battle. I think when he finally realized that I was right there with him, keeping him warm and safe, and when the yawns started interrupting the screams, he knew it was ok to fall asleep there. It was safe, it was cozy, and there was someone there who'd heard his cries.

We've heard stories of kids being "trained" to sleep on their own, to sooth themselves, to be left to scream for hours until they finally fall asleep from exhaustion, who realize after awhile that despite all their screaming no one is coming to get them, no one is coming to tuck them into the covers and kiss them good night one more time. I chose not to "train" my kids, and for a long time we let Punkin run the show, with various nudges here and there. And now, after 3 years of constant adaptations and various routines, he finally falls asleep all on his own (most nights). I just hope we can be as patient for Auggie...

Update: Auggie's gone back to falling asleep nursing....but then waking up every 3 hours ALL NIGHT LONG. We know it's teething (4+ teeth all pushing through at the same time) and it won't last forever. But I can't decide which sleep pattern I'd prefer: crying to sleep in my arms, but sleeping through the night, or peacefully falling asleep in my arms, only to be up all night long crying in pain. The truth is, it doesn't matter what I'd prefer. I'm just his mom; I don't get to choose.

Endless possibilities

"What to do in a day with your toddler and baby?" For many people, the answer to this question is simple. They might choose to glide through the day from one necessity to the next, breakfast-to-diaper change, nap-to-lunch, and back again, filling the in-betweens with puzzles and stories or whatever else your toddler pulls off the shelf. Others start off the day with planned and (sometimes) carefully articulated activities. They might call themselves creative. They might call themselves Montessori proponents. They might call this homeschooling. (Is doing preschool-like activities at home with your 3 year old really "homeschooling?" Doesn't "homeschooling" imply your child would otherwise be in school? Should every 3 year old be in some sort of preschool?).

It's questions like these that plague me lately. Punkin has directed activities outside the home for 3 mornings a week. The rest of the week is devoted to play dates, infrequent trips to the park, and many lazy days at home playing with the gobs of toys we've collected from generous grandparents and such. But should I consider myself more of a teacher when it comes to those days at home? Should I set out a curriculum in advance and prepare an activity for each day? Should I make sure he's learning science, art, spelling, and drama? Should trips to the park be "field trips" full of educational tid bits and "directed" activities? Or should we just go to the damn park and play with whatever he wants? Am I even creative enough to come up with all these activities? Should I leave the creativity to others? Should I just stick to my minimalist ideas and approach every day with the simple goal of getting out on the other end with all three of us alive, fed, and relatively unscathed?

Really what it comes down to is a matter of job description. Should I treat each day like a day "at the office," where my clients (or bosses?) are my sweet and adorable but sometimes limit- and patience-testing children, and my job is not only to love and care for them, but to teach them, provide a safe learning environment and creative, preschool-esq activities aimed at broadening minds and perspective. I guess this would be the Homeschool Teacher job description. And I have full respect for this job and those who pursue it. But am I cut out to be a teacher?

I was mulling all this over the other day when I had to stop and ask (yet another) question: Did I apply for this job when I chose to get pregnant? If I had been "interviewed" during the hiring process, would I have jumped at the chance to have this job, or would I leave it to others (day care or preschool teachers) and spent my days at a real office? The time with your kids is great, but so is having a regular 9-5 job, one that actually ends at 5 o'clock, one you don't necessarily take home with you. One where your boss doesn't follow you into the bathroom and watch you pee and one that doesn't require you to wipe your bosses ass, at least not literally.

I could go on and on and on with this train of thought and I'm already losing track of why I started this post. The fact of the matter is, at present, I have chosen this job, no matter how unprepared I may have been for the demands. And now I must learn to excel at my job, or start seeking alternate employment. For the record, I'm seriously considering both options.

So, in addition to the assignment I gave myself last week to read all those parenting books that gather dust on my bookshelves, I'm giving myself one more, rather daunting task. In my "free time" I will research activities and ideas for how to "homeschool" my kids, try to define just what "homeschooling" means for me and my kids, and put all that I learn to good use. And of course, I'll blog about it along the way. And in all the time that's left over (HAHAHA) I'll search for part-time work, just to keep my options open.

Teach your children well

Discipline comes from the word "disciple" which means "student." Therefore we should consider every instance of discipline a "teaching moment." But why does every second in life with a toddler have to be a "teaching moment?" I realized yesterday that everything I do, every step I take, every move I make (oh wait....that was just the song on the radio...see what happens to your brain after 2 kids? And you thought your brain on drugs looked bad...).

So what was I saying? Oh yes, some days when I ask Punkin to come get his diaper on, it would be nice if he would just listen to what I'm saying, acknowledge that he heard me say something, and then (GASP!) do what I asked him to do!!! Let's take that logic and apply it to EVERY SINGLE interaction between the two of us. Because there are many days when that NEVER HAPPENS. I ask him to come here, he runs away. I ask him not to hit the dog, he hits her anyway. I ask him to be quiet, he screams in my face. I try to change his diaper, he rolls onto his belly and, if I'm really lucky, farts in my face.

Now the parenting and discipline gurus will tell you these trying moments with your toddler are "teaching moments" and right now I'm just dying for a sabbatical. Can't we get from Point A to Point B without deviating from the course? Can't we just walk in the door, take off our shoes and coats, put them away, and make it through lunch without raising my mommy's-head-will-explode-if-you-do-that-again hackles?

Of course not, which is why we must greet these moments with calm, poise, understanding, a gentle voice and a kind yet firm explanation of why it is so important to mommy that you pay attention and that you are helpful and that, goddammit, you don't go running off to do your own thing because you will do what i say or else...oops. Calm. Poise. You want to draw pictures on the table with your soup? I guess we're all done eating. You don't want the dog to eat your snack? Let's use our words and not our bodies to ask Kdog to move away instead of hitting her on the nose. You feel like making lots of noise? You can go yell in your room.

Yes, life with a toddler is just one "teaching moment" after another, and you bet your ass you're being scrutinized every step of the way because one wrong step and your kid will be telling his therapist 30 years later that's why he hates to be barefoot indoors because his mother always yelled at him if he didn't take his shoes off before stomping around the house and who cares that he lived in Seattle where it was always the rainy season because it was her own damn fault for being too lazy to vacuum the floors more than once a month.

As parents of toddlers in the 21st century we are expected to keep our cool, be generous and gentle, and do everything by the new book(s). I have those books. They sit in my bookcase. Looking all sophisticated and diverse. And one of these days I might actually get around to finishing that one I started in summer of '08. Or maybe starting the one I bought last spring?

So to motivate myself, I plan to read each book and write a short little post on the important facts and skills to learn so that when the time comes I'll have a cheat sheet. Let's see if I ever actually get around to doing this.....

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman
Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

oh, and just because I'm a glutton for punishment we'll throw in the sleep books I never finished since neither kid sleeps well on his own and I could really use help:

Sleepless in America by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Babies and The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers by Elizabeth Pantley
Nighttime Parenting by William Sears
Sleep is for the Weak by Rita Arens

(Ok that last one is just for fun...it's sleep humor from some of the best "mommy bloggers" out there). I suppose I should have put them in ascending order, shortest to longest, since some get over 400 pages. I'll save those for last.

Wish me luck!

a dump truck, a cement mixer, a front loader....

We made a sandbox! Ok, maybe I didn't participate in the building, but I still take pride in the new addition to the backyard. Someday this sandbox will be a mere cornerstone in a larger play set including swings, a tower, maybe even a slide. The best part: Punkin loves and takes huge pride in building things himself, and Veggie tries to involve Punkin in every step of the process. When I went out back to check on the progress, Punkin was wielding a large rake, flattening out the ground to make it ready for the sandbox. Next time I checked on them, he was spreading the sand, and later he helped wield the cordless power drill. Please note the "seats" at each corner of the box: Veggie is very proud of those.

A lot of love, a little late...

Is it really March? Because I swear it was just the other day that I was making Valentine's with Punkin and thinking I should really write down all the resources I found while looking for ideas on how to make Valentine's with kids. Oh, I'll do it tomorrow. I guess "tomorrow" turned into nearly 20 days later. Such is my life...

So I wanted Punkin to play a primary role in making the valentines, and I wasn't too concerned with how nice they would look. But as I began searching on google, I found mostly complicated patterns to cut, candy to attach, or pre-fab printouts for kids to color in. Nothing was too inspiring, but we did try to make a few of these elephant cards just for fun (with paper eyes and paper ear and nose hearts). They're pretty cute, but by involving Punkin in the tracing and the gluing, it took nearly 20 minutes to make one. In the end, we worked together to trace and cut small hearts and large hearts from different colored paper. Then he decorated those hearts with drawing and stickers. Once we'd collected enough hearts, he glued the small hearts onto the center of the large hearts. They actually turned out really well for a (almost) three year old's homemade valentines, if I do say so myself.

Next time we might try out a few of these more complicated designs, or go back to the elephants.

scissors!

I know a year from now, or maybe even in a few months, this will no longer seem like a monumentous occassion. But today, it's front page news. Punkin is learning how to use scissors! And wouldn't you know he's an expert already. He's already made confetti out of the PCC newsletter and next he wants to cut hearts for making Valentines. I wish I could take credit for the idea, but I didn't think he was ready for scissors until I read it in this blog from a crafty mom. At least now I have yet another great resource for future craft ideas with the kids.